Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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