Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
