so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
