i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
