I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
