I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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