Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
