so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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