I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
