My girlfriend figured out who you are.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
