no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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