so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
