neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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