rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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