John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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