we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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