so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
