Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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