She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
