Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
