Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
