Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
