running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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