tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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