too bad you live with your parents still
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
