Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
