i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
