I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I checked into jail on foursquare
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
