Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
