I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
