I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
