Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
