the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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