if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
