She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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