What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
