I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
