you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
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