theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
