Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
