I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
