i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Randomize
