didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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