don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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