THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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