2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
