guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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