If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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