when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
