Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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